To: Bob Caslen, University of South Carolina president; Ray Tanner, athletic director; Will Muschamp, head football coach; Cocky the Mascot
Re: Offensive coordinator position on the Gamecocks’ football staff
Please accept this resume as notice of my interest in your vacant offensive coordinator position with the University of South Carolina football team.
Taking on this role would be challenging given the Gamecocks’ No. 12 standing in points per game among the SEC’s 14 teams — good thing Arkansas and Vanderbilt are still in the conference, huh?
But a little schedule shuffling will allow me to maintain my duties as Post and Courier columnist while finishing up holiday shopping and making sure South Carolina does better than 4-8 in 2020.
Goals
More wins, points, yards.
An offense that’s fun to watch.
Make sure that Zeke from Irmo doesn’t phone the head coach’s call-in show every week asking to “throw to the tight end more.”
Warm-weather bowl game.
Experience
Suggested strategy for the Gamecocks this season that resulted in a 14-yard run by quarterback Ryan Hilinski in a victory over Vanderbilt — after which Will Muschamp said, “Ryan ran, so now we’re a good offense.”
South Carolina yards per play average using my strategy in 2019: 14.0
South Carolina overall yards per play average for 2019: 5.2
South Carolina record in games using my strategy in 2019: 1-0
South Carolina record in other games in 2019: 3-8
Offensive philosophy
Borrowed from the late Al Davis, a Citadel assistant coach before gaining fame while leading his Raiders franchise to three Super Bowl wins: “We don’t take what the defense gives us, we take what we want.”
References
Will Muschamp (he called me “Coach Sapakoff” – almost pronouncing my name correctly – and praised my grasp of football analytics during the 2019 season).
Names of fantasy football opponents available upon request.
Salary requirements
Negotiable.
But, as children’s book author Miles Finch not unreasonably requested during his introductory “Elf” phone call, I’d like a black s500 to receive me at the airport. I need the interior of that car to be 71 degrees exactly.
Work samples
Nothing better than Hilinski’s unmolested dash for 14 yards and a first down against Vanderbilt, something Muschamp kept talking about into the next week.
Though Muschamp stopped short of committing to the wishbone formation, he offered a "hat and whistle" to a certain journalist.
Education
Advanced Student of the Game
Have conducted interviews with Eddie Robinson, Bill Walsh, Nick Saban, Dabo Swinney
Owned a vintage Electric Football game as a kid (Browns vs. Giants for some reason)
Have discussed innovative play-calling strategy with Mouse Davis, Steve Spurrier, Mike Shanahan and a 13-year-old Madden 20 video game whiz in our neighborhood
Once had lunch with John Elway
Read Bart Wright’s book “Football Revolution: The Rise of the Spread Offense and How It Transformed College Football”
Talked to Clemson play-caller Tony Elliott last week about new wrinkles he added to use speed-option adjustments as South Carolina dropped back into heavy pass coverage during the Tigers’ 38-3 win at Williams-Brice Stadium (which resulted in quarterback Trevor Lawrence rushing for 66 yards as the Gamecocks rushed for 69)
Analysis of the competition
Mike Bobo: Losing football record as head coach at Colorado State (28-35), just fired
Gene Sapakoff: winning intramural record in ultimate Frisbee at Colorado State (12-2), as student newspaper columnist called for two head coaches to be fired
Work history
Three-time fantasy football league champion as GM of the Fort Moultrie Seminoles (after changing team name from the Stonewashed Genes)
Youth flag football head coach. One season, including a loss to a team dressed in New England Patriots gear and coached by a guy with a brilliant football mind named Weis (not former Patriots offensive coordinator Charlie Weis but Pat Weis, Charlie’s brother and a Lowcountry resident)
College Football 08, 09, 10 and 11 video game expertise (once defeated a Tim Tebow-led Florida squad while running the option with Air Force)
Tecmo Bowl whiz (starring Bo Jackson, of course)
Availability
Still have some shopping to do; Post and Courier postseason coverage of Clemson could require travel into the new year again; have a special Valentine’s Day trip surprise for my wife.
But will be ready for spring practice!
Signed,
The right candidate
Follow Gene Sapakoff on Twitter @sapakoff
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December 06, 2019 at 07:00PM
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Sapakoff: My application for the Gamecocks' offensive coordinator job - Charleston Post Courier
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